Get me Wrong

Crossing Fingers

2010-02-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I look around and I think life is way too unfair to some people. All you have to do is listen to the news, and I’m not talking about tv or newspapers but news from the people you know. While I complain about my own problems, I should always take some time to realize that at least mine have a solution. There are those who suffer from irreversible health problems or who are in a situation they can't possibly escape from. How can there be such unequalty of opportunities? I mean, we all know someone who is a really good person, an angel on earth, and who has a thousand problems or suddenly gets a horrible disease. Does it mean we should be cruel and heartless in order to have good luck and prosperity in life? No, I refuse to believe that. That's neither what I’ve been taught nor how I like to behave. I guess we must keep crossing our fingers and hoping for the best to happen.

Farewell mein Freund

2009-12-22T23:57:00.000-08:00

Those last hugs could have lasted forever. I didn't want to let you go, no one did. I knew you had spent the whole afternoon watching people cry at your departure, so I tried to hold my tears back. I hope I wasn't too cold. I said "auf wiedersehen" (did you catch that?) and I think you smiled. Then there's the part of the story that you don't know. I walked home talking to myself (fortunately there was nobody in the streets). When I got home, I closed the door and couldn't keep myself from crying anymore. You wouldn't expect that and neither would I but the truth is that I've found a genuine friend in you and this goodbye turned out to be a really heavier load than I had believed. I hope life gets us together again some day. We're gonna miss you.

Sorry

2009-10-22T01:58:00.000-07:00

And in this inert and faded path, I smell the stinking remains of the past. It beat me to the punch! Life passed fast and left tracks, rushed for who knows what fate. And in the middle of everything, the waste that I dropped to the ground, indifferently. I knew I was walking in circles. It is the fine that we get for working dirtily. Did I learn? No, I did not learn, rather "do learn" and thank myself for that. More ahead I see the path get straight, like repeating the mirage. This time it must be true, I get free from the residue. This time it HAS TO be true.

Void

2009-10-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

I look around and there's no one to talk. I see myself in the mirror and the emptiness behind me gives a hint of a smile. So much cold, so much desperation. How long have I felt comfortable with this situation? How much time have I pretended that I was ok by myself? It's time for recovery. It's the right moment to find those I've unwisely lost. A hug can't be replaced by foolish pride just as a carefree conversation can't be swapped for bitter self questions.

The Return of the Prodigal Son

2009-10-06T00:44:00.000-07:00

So what if sometimes I spend almost a year without updating my blog? Who are you to judge me? What do you want from me? I'll try to adopt at least a menstrual frequency. But after all, What is the basis for my promise?

Things that Don't Remind me of You

2008-10-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

1- Love songs
2- Chocolate
3- Fireworks
4- Romantic movies
5- Writing
6- Happiness
7- Having sex with someone else
8- My blog (s)
9- Women
10- Stars
11- Mountains
12- This flu

Today

2008-07-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

I close my eyes and try to see, but there's too much in there. Too many thoughts together, too many shadows taking over my mind. If I could do things differently, everything would be... well, different! My hands are cold and my soul is sick. I feel like laughing at silly things with friends... but there's no one out there for me. I don't ask for too much. I've tried, but still find it so difficult. I don't match with yours, I don't match with mine and sometimes I don't even match with myself. I've tried learning how to find happiness in the simplest things, and that works for a while. But that's not life if you can't share it. Where's the turning point? When will it come to me? I'm getting tired of waiting for it, tired of looking for it. I always feel I'm almost there and then I realize I wasn't even close and I blame myself 'cause I know I don't do my best and that's why it never works.

Weapon

2008-06-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

I can't let another day go by in this situation. I can't spend another minute thinking I should tell him what I feel. Everything's over. I have no more patience, I can't keep this smile when I'm with him any longer. I can't be by his side one more day. I need him to know what he probably already knows. I need to tell him what he probably wants to tell me as well. That I love him, but there's nothing else to tell, nothing to do. That we have consumed this relationship to the point of an unbearable kind of boredom. That my skin has been asking for a change lately. Will I do it this time? Will I have the strenght? His body is the closest thing to a weapon I have ever seen.

Signals

2008-06-04T00:39:00.000-07:00

I always tell myself I have to learn how to realize when life sends me signals to make a desicion. Who knows, maybe now is when. I ran into him downtown today, after so much time without seeing his face. He, the one I will never forget though I know that all he will ever give me are those precious moments that come to an end. But maybe that's all I want right now. I have been thinking of him these last days. But the guilt, the damn guilt. Maybe, what I have to learn is how to finish a phase before starting a new one. Maybe I never will.

Bureaucracy

2008-05-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

One day, I thought it would be nice to go out for a walk, smell the past in the streets and get some illusions back. They said I had to sign a paper in order to keep the public spaces clean and organized.

One day, I felt like taking pictures at the trees so I could have them with me always. They said I had to buy the rights for it, ‘cause they were copyrighted.

One day, I thought I’d go to the park, meet someone and make a new friend. They said I had to fill a form so that they could state it was a legal relationship.

One day, I knocked at your door and asked if I could kiss you as no one had ever kissed you before. Our souls were only one by the next morning and they never found out.

Dear You

2008-03-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

I know I’m selfish, but hey, I can change it! I just need you to make me realize when I’m being like that. I hope you don’t mind to remind me from time to time. BUT, this doesn’t mean that you are doing everything right! I feel abandoned too, sometimes. In other aspects, of course. After all, I think we’ll be ok.

If you Know it, Clap your Hands

2008-02-18T19:45:00.000-08:00

There are times when I get up in a dream to live. There are others when I pause my life to dream. The hard part is the coexistence between both halves. Living a life split in two, always at the edge, between desire and reality, is the fate of some of us. We go unnoticed, we're souls who pretend to be like you. But don't ask us... We run away from answers. We say that we don't know when the most correct anwer would be that we don't know whether we know or don't. For sure there is fear, but... fear of what?

Hell No!

2008-02-06T17:57:00.000-08:00

What?! I’m afraid of commitment? That’s a new one! He said “I think I’m gonna have to marry you” and I thought I’d pass out. “It would be too soon.”, I replied. I mean, come on, it’s a 2 year relationship, It’s not like I’m in love! Am I? If I were in love I probably wouldn’t have all these fears. I don’t think it could work. It’s not easy to live with me. I’m a big chaos and I don’t really have a life. I should fix many things that aren’t working here before thinking about taking such an important step. Damn, why did he have to say that?

Lonely Day

2008-01-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

I have a bad feeling today. I feel things might be coming to an end and though I had already thought it could happen and I had decided I wouldn’t let it affect me too much, I’m not so sure of that right now. Why all this coldness, this disinterestedness that hurts me as each minute goes by? Could it be that I’m being a victim of my paranoia... again? I’m gonna have to let time make a desicion.

Self Promises

2008-01-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

There are those times when I tell myself “ok J()§hØ... it’s time for you to change... you’re gonna do it this time... you’ll build a future”. And then I think “naaah, who am I kidding?”. I guess I’m tired of making empty promises to myself all the time. It is, clearly, the moment to stop overthinking and start doing whatever I really want (and NO, “lazing” isn’t one of the options... anymore). The problem is that... I don’t even believe what I’m writing right now. And being conscious of it doesn’t help either. I’m not asking for too much. I think I’ve left most of my fears behind already, so why not taking that last step? I should be able to act like anyone else by now. Where’s the life I want? Where should I aim? I don’t know, I just hope I don’t figure it out too late.

Freedom Inside

2008-01-01T21:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if, in today’s world, there’s still such a thing as “privacy”. I guess that all the privacy we really have is in our minds. Perhaps that’s the reason I’m not a big fan of psychologists. Paying somebody to violate your privacy? Not my cup of tea, except if I ever have a serious mental condition. So, by following that criterion... isn't imagination the best way to be truly free? Think about it. You can do whatever you want in your thoughts and your dreams and there's no one there to judge you, no one to stop you (except, in some cases, the mental terrorists, also known as "guilt"). So, I won't pay attention to people anymore when they tell me I shouldn't live in a bubble... Maybe that's my reality, the way I perceive the world around. Hmmmmm...

Evolution

2007-12-19T23:05:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty much alone this year in different aspects, especially when it comes to friends. Each one of them had their particular reason to grow apart. However, I feel I had the chance to spend a lot of time with myself and face my inner ghosts. I've grown up, as a person, but I still feel I have a long way to go (we all do, don't we? That's what makes life interesting sometimes). Thanks 2007... I knew you'd be a great year.

Lucía and the Sea (by J()§hØ)

2007-06-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

The sun would have bothered the contracted faces since the morning. But only Lucía was there, nobody to see her breaking down at every second. Sitting, trembling, with her face between her knees, Lucía was crying for the coldness of the impossible. She tried to remember who she was, where she came from. Nothing but the pain came to her mind, whiping her thinking. It was impossible for her to think of anything else for more than two seconds. She wondered at which moment the pain had turned into a monotonous routine, the sap that kept her breathing. Would there be life beyond the grains of sand that hurt her eyes?
The sea didn’t talk to her anymore, he just emitted the same unintelligible sounds of always, there was no more feeling nor meaning in them. He knew perfectly that indifference was a mortal dagger, but he didn’t care. He was willing to show her how well he could continue his life without her, and how easy it would be for him to make her fall into his clutches again. Making her feel guilty had become the greatest pleasure for him. The seagulls were his accomplices, overacting every movement, every guffaw, humiliating the poor damsel of sand without respect. He didn’t love anyone else but himself, and he didn’t mind destroying everything that was on his way to get to feel more powerful.
The palm trees by Lucía’s sides were bending in a way that they seemed to be moving away from her. The wind bothered her. The sand hurt her sick skin. Life was becoming unbearable. Her mind was spinning and twisting up, the last bit of reason that could exist in it was dying. It had been a long time already since dignity had packed its things up and gone beyond the sea. Lucía hardly remembered her own name, there was nothing left of her past, no memories of her own existence. She was something else now, a mixture of being and grief, grief and being. She didn’t remember that anything else existed, all she was waiting for was that moment when the sea would mislead her, when he would make her believe again that he loved her, when he would “forgive” her for things she hardly remembered she had done.
She kept a secret in the deepest of herself. But it was impossible to remember when the sea water was continuosly welling up her eyes. Oftentimes, she thought she had a certainty, and then she felt guilty for having even thought about it. But she knew it. She knew the sea’s way to proceed, but she had the fake certainty that she would stop breathing if the tide went out too much. It hurt her not to be able to be water, another drop, a seagull. She needed to be part of the sea again, she couldn’t bear to keep being a strange to the indifferent sound of the waves.
The moment came when she couldn’t stand herself for one more second, she couldn’t stand the spectator sun’s lashes any longer. The palm trees had disappeared and the seagulls laughed at her. The sea kept on torturing her, this time harder than ever, a little bit bored now by his own game. Lucía just couldn’t continue supporting herself.
She desperately tried to stand up, as if life depended on it. Sunken into her own sand, she fearfully impelled herself. In spite of having spent the day sitting, her legs were feeling more tired than ever, as if they’d had to carry a terrible weight. She ran, she tripped, she challenged the wind and the sand. She joined the sea, by force. She felt, relieved, how he purified her skin, how he refreshed her dehydrated pores. She instantaneously went on to feel truly happy, to make an image for herself of who she believed to be. The sea was laughing in his immensity devouring her a bit more, diluting Lucía’s hopes of getting out alive of his trap. The seagulls, hypocritical, camouflaged their feathers, they changed their colors for warmer ones.
The air leaked, and Lucía happily filled her lungs with the salt water that devoured her entrails. She kept on sinking, more and more into her false happiness. She longed for that instant to last forever. Little by little, her sight was becoming cloudy but, even so, she got to distinguish some dark silhouettes which lay hidden in the deepest. Horrified, she saw the floor carpeted with corpses, hundreds of people devoured by the sea, hundreds of wasted souls which had fallen into the trap just like her. And then she remembered who she was and she also understood that it was too late. One second later, the light disappeared.

Giving Birth

2007-03-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, let’s give it a start.

Have you ever wondered why do people live the way they do? Who says how life is supossed to be? Who’s that master brain deciding over our fates? Why should we accept things just like they are?
There’s a moment when you realize you’re not the boy next door. That specific moment when you start looking at everything from the other side. If you’re strong, you’ll immediately try to change the world. If not, then be prepared for a big crisis. I guess I’m option B. Oh, no.